Wednesday, January 28, 2004
I am getting horribly bad at keeping up with this site. A
combination of finding time for Hannah and Leyhsa with
the stresses and requirements at my new job leave very little
time for writing on my site. This saddens me and I figure
this state of affairs will continue until either I have
hired a larger team to offload crud at work or I hire
somebody at home to do the same. So I have been back
in the land of my oats for three months now and you
must be wondering what I have learned. I have learned many
things which I will list for you:
- The beer here sucks. We as Americans
have been so blitzed by advertising, that we figure
since it tells us that it comes from the rocky mountains,
it must be good. The answer is no, it just makes a
good ad. I have realized that losing wars for some reason make the French
and Belgians great beer makers- far better than here
where it is boiled in vats the size of a small town
and bottled to be branded as 'low-carb' or 'lite'.
Have people forgotten the point? Beer is not a health
drink; its alcohol, which is designed to make you
dizzy and destroy your liver. That's like calling
a pistol, 'Machine Gun Lite'.
- Nobody cares. Its kind of comforting
as I worry less now about how horrible my President
is making the world as I no longer hear about it.
People don't talk about politics at work, you don't
hear politics on the news (except for the 3 minute
junket), and you certainly don't know about what's
going on outside of the four corners of the US. There's
a very tight race going on for the Democratic Presidential
nominee and I would never know it unless I tried really
hard to seek out what that meant.
To give you an idea
of what I mean by this frightening insulation, the
day the news broke about the earthquake in Iran where
20,000 people died, I turned to 'Komo 4 News- Your
source for News' and the top story was (and I am not
making this up) about a lady who had her car stolen
with an ern of the remains of a dead relative still
in the car. The boring story about 20,000 dead terrorists
in an evil doer country came after a ten minute piece
on this stupid lady who left her keys in the car and
after a commercial break.
This Bush guy is going to
get re-elected not because people like him, but because
probably only 15% of those who should be paying attention
will be going to the polls.
- Because driving a car is cool. I
don't have to wait 30 minutes for a bus not to be
full to let me on, I don't have to be packed into
a tube car where there is 1 cubic inch of personal
space, I don't have to walk in the rain because the
wind blew my umbrella inside out, and I don't even
have to worry about paying a ransom's price to be
driven by cab for the privelege of being taken a couple
miles. I have a car! And my old cool car at that!
I love my little P1800 and it is wonderful to be back
in my land where we worship the independance, freedom,
status, and selfishness of driving a car.
- There are more strip malls per square mile
then there are alcoholics in England. By
American standards, entire population in England
would be considered alcoholics, and I still think the quantity of
strip malls out here would outnumber even that total. There's
even a place near my work where there is a strip mall
within a strip mall. Begone lowly small
independant shopkeeper on the corner! Goodbye overpriced
haven of unique things! Good riddance variety! I have
Wal-mart and Office Depot, so there is no need for
you here! It reminds me of how we would see while traveling that all the souvenir shops would all have the same things and it
pretty much breaks down to who is the least rude guy
behind the counter that you buy from. Here, the super
chain stores are essentially doing the same thing
where they all have the same 25 stereos or the 8 printers
or the 44 brands of cereal, the only difference is
if the length of the line is worth it to you for the
extra 7% off. There actually is an algebraic formula
that I have worked out: Number of Parking Spaces divided
by the square footage = the % savings.
Tuesday, November 4, 2003
I have heard if from my barber, my friends at work, my
family, some guy in Kentucky, a nutty lady in the Cotswolds,
and possibly the Queen (but I can't tell for sure because
her spelling wasn't so good). Yes, I am completely aware
that I have not updated my site. I am sorry. I am very
very sorry.
But things are completely different than they were that
blistering hot day in August. See, that job searching
thing that I mentioned a few entries back, paid off and
I flew to Seattle for an interview and I got the job.
And I accepted. And moved to Seattle and left Limeyland.
I am very very sorry.
See, here's how the math works out for every £1.00
I earn in the UK, for you Americans who don't really
get how good you have it.
£1.00 earned by a day of dealing
with manic bosses and insane deadlines and intense politics
of work
- 0.26
taken out for taxes. I am unqualified to receive a child
tax benefit because I'm not a permanent resident
- 0.11
taken out for National Insurance. This pays for my sub-standard
medical care that I personally never used
- 0.29
taken out for rent. This pays for a nice place but is
the size of the average rich person's bathroom
- 0.14
taken out for utilities. This includes paying the most
inept and useless company to ever exist, BT
- 0.12
taken out for groceries. Everything costs 2x as much
and comes in 1/2 the size, plus I get to carry the bags
home
- 0.08
taken out for transportation. This pays for my opportunity
to be sneezed on and stuck in the heat of the Tube
- 0.02
taken out for council tax. I pay property tax even though
I don't own property. Somebody please explain?
GRAND TOTAL £1.02, netting -£.02
With one income now, that's how it breaks down. Which
sucks. The good news for me is that I have another country
that I can run to. One which won't break my back in
half -at least until I need to go on Social Security
that is. The bad news is, those poor Brits get their
ass handed to them and have nowhere to escape to. I
at least have lazy days shopping at WalMart, getting
fat while watching Oprah to look forward to. These poor
Limeys don't get the luxury. I no longer wonder why
they drink so much. Well...it explains a higher drinking
rate but doesn't quite explain the excessive, almost
binge-like-high drinking rate.
So in under four weeks of handing in my notice, I found
a replacement, prepared a hand-off, hired a van, took
most of our stuff to Heathrow to be shipped, we sold
the remainder of our stuff, found a replacement tenant
for our flat, had my farewells, Leyhsa cleaned the flat,
we headed onto our flight, picked up a van in LA, got
some of our stuff out of storage, picked up our stuff
that was shipped, drove 1,200 miles to Seattle, unloaded
and unpacked, returned the truck and started my new
job. No problem! The problem was that some little Limey
bastard got my bank details and emptied my bank account
two days before I was to pay £1,100 in cash to
Virgin Cargo to have our stuff shipped. Now that was
a problem.
But it all ended going successfully somehow and I have
been working for two weeks now at Classmates.com-
a truly pig of a site. It has bad branding, horrible
usability and dreadfully, awful design. But this is
all good because they are looking to revamp everything
and I like a challenge. They also happen to be profitable
and are one of the top visited web sites in the US with
37 million members. So again I am very very sorry but
this is a good thing as I finally will have money in
the bank again. I have lots to update you on as things
progress and relearn the American Way.
Already Leyhsa and I were staggering to comprehend
the serendipity of walking into our local grocery store
here in Seattle that was the size of two football pitches
with more choices of soda then our local Tesco in London
had of everything combined in the store. I am re-learning
American catch phrases like 'boiling the ocean tactic'
and 'hockey stick drop'. I was just getting used to
and started using Brit terms like 'things went pear-shaped'
and where to get the best bagels in London (Broadway
Bagels on Edgeware).
So alas, a new chapter has started and I will keep
you abreast of the progress.
Wednesday, August 06, 2003
My cousin Hayley Rebecca is visiting from LA for a couple
weeks and as payment for room and board, she is required
to write about her trip. Aside from the wonderful fact
that its been great having somebody else to clean the
dishes other than Leyhsa and I, we've really enjoyed hanging
out with her and showing her around. But hoo-wee its freakin
hot. So here are her first few journal entries in chronological
order:
Sunday, August 03, 2003
Well
everyone, today was a very very exciting day. it was
a jason and hayley day: it was a day of many adventures.
First we had bagels that jason picked up which were
Western Bagel quality, Deelicious. then jason and i
went to camden town, now there are three ways to get
to camden town: bus, underground and water bus. well
jason was sure the water bus was the fastest. so we
get in the water bus and we are moving at a speed of
3 miles an hour. there was a couple walking allong the
thames river and they were going faster than we were.
well we finally (after 50 minutes) got to camden town
and it was completely awesome it is like venice meets
melrose but without the corporate stores everything
was independent and there were stores which were contained
within walls as well as individual stands where people
were selling stuff like in venice.
the coolest thing though was a store called CYBERDOG.
it is the coolest store in the history of stores. as
jason put it "You want it to be anything but a
store you want it to be a club or a disco but its just
too cool to be a store." everything was blacklit
and i think there was a rule that if you worked at the
store you had to wear 12" platform shoes, lots
of spikes and a really punky haircut that was dyed at
least 3 completely unnatural colors.
after
camden town we went to get on the underground to go
to south ealing in order to see
a rugby game well the underground station we were
supposed to go to was closed on sundays but we didnt
know so we had to walk about a mile to the next underground
station. well we get on the underground and eventually
get to south ealing, well once we are there we really
have no idea where we are supposed to be going we dont
know where the football stadium is. so we ask a guy
at the station who tells us the direction we should
be going. then we ask a bus driver who says he will
let us know where to get off so he signals us and we
start to walk around the corner that the bus driver
pointed to and we see a sign for the stadium going in
the complete opposite direction.
so
we follow the sign and we can hear the rugby game.....oh
i forgot to mention the game started at 3pm and it was
now almost 4pm. so we hear the game and we can see the
stadium but we cant see a way in the stadium is surrounded
by houses. now why on earth would you want to live next
door to a football stadium. anyways we walk almost completely
around the block when we finally find the entrance so
we go in and get to sit on the pitch it was wild we
were so close to the violence and rugby is so cruel.
well we barely got there when the game ended at 4:45pm
it was hillarious. so we head back to central london
where we do some sight seeing and then try and go homebut
we cant find the right bus. then we find the right bus
but it doesnt show up then we decide to take the underground
so we ask a bus driver if he goes to the next underground
station and he says yes. but just before the underground
station the driver hangs a left and goes three blocks
down a different street then we go into the wrong underground
station because there are two and we had to try and
find the right line but we did eventually get home and
my feet ace because i have been walking around for about
10 hours. i am exhausted.
Monday, August 04, 2003
Well today was a very very hot day, and i am not
talking hot for london i am talking hot for california.
it was in the 90's i am sure and when you are traveling
around with a baby low 80's is warm. anyway we probably
chose the worst thing to do on a hot day we went to
the tower of london which is this this ancient castle
in the middle of contemporary london. it is gorgeous-
built in 1000 AD and it houses the crown jewels. which
include the worlds largest diamond. it was sooo shiny.
there was a little crown which was only adorned in diamonds
and was once Queen Victoria's and is about big enough
to fit around a girls hair when you put it up in a bun.
i wanted it for me.
what i dont understand is why i am not a queen.
i want to be a queen, i want a queendom with museums
based around my tuppaware lunchboxes -that would be
awesome. but the tower was awesome, i got a picture
with a beefeater which is a certain type of guard that
guards the tower of london. and i got to hear all about
beheadings and death rituals and i got to see a tower
where they kept important, and/or royal prisoners and
it was awesome because most of these prisoners carved
messages or memorials or pictures in the walls- it was
totally awesome. i also got to see the arsenal and all
the weapons but my favorite thing had to be the castle
itself it was so picturesque (awsome!). it is every
girls dream of what a princesses castle should look
like. then we walked across the tower bridge and home.
i really wish i was a queen. I'd seriously be an awsome
queen.
Wednesday, August 06, 2003
Hello
all, well today was a scorcher and i figured out the
reason why london is so miserable in the heat. its because
the city isnt prepared for it. in london they usually
only have 1 or 2 days every year of like 85 degrees
and that is their hottest temperature. because of this
nothing is air conditioned. not the busses or the underground
or museums or resturants. well that isnt entirely true
there are a few places that have air conditioning but
they are few and far between. before i move on to my
activities of the day i want to comment on yesterdays
entry, does everyone remember how i said that they were
doing construction on st. pauls cathedral...(pause)
i will take that as a yes, well construction = scaffolding
but you never see any workers. i was walking down the
street with leyhsa and the road was torn up and there
were construction signs all over the place but at 3pm
you didnt see one construction worker.. because you
never do you never ever see how things get done. one
day the scaffolding remarkably comes down by itself
and the entire project is complete and nobody asks how.
well
guys today being such a hot day that we decided to go
to a museum. the great thing about a lot of the museums
in london is that they dont charge for admission. london
is the opposite of america in the making of money. London
doesn't seem to want to make money they dont care if
the way they do something is hazardous to thier financial
gain. anyway so we called a museum to make sure they
had air conditioning and they did so we decided to head
off to the Victoria and Albert Museum which was really
awesome because it is a very eclectic museum. they have
paintings and sculptures of mary and the baby jesus
to a history of dresses, to an entire floor devoted
to tapestry, to a floor all about the 20th century which
had furniture from the early 1900's and on to tea settings
on to a poster that stated "Never Mind the Bollocks
Here's The Sex Pistols." it was a very awesome
museum but the problem was that the told us that the
museum was air conditioned and it was but only on certain
floors and certain rooms and this museum was huge so
we walked through the hot rooms pretty fast. At some
point i got a heat headache and i dont remember much
else we tried to stay in the air conditioned rooms but
it wasnt entirely possible. it was a very hot day today
and into the night it is currently 11:00pm in london
and about 85 degrees outside it is supposed to be very
hot through next week. moving on we went to dinner at
an italian resturant and afterwards we were walking
to our bus stop and i saw from a distance these huge
brests, they looked like two balloons blown up to full
under a womans shirt and i nudged leyhsa to show her,
and we looked as this woman passed, oh no, wait, thats
not a woman its a MAN!!!! swiveling his hips in a mini
skirt down the street. i am traumatized.
Tuesday July 29, 2003
After exhaustive research I have found at four months,
Hannah has picked her music taste. She is a Barry White
fan. Her favorite song is 'You're
the first, the last, my everything' and she bounces
up and down and giggles to it. One of the things
I have learned about having a baby is that all you want
from them is to take the next step and then prepare to
be in a state of fearful paranoia about it from that point
further. Example: Hannah learned to roll over by herself
the other week which we were very excited about and now
we can't leave her alone for a second outside the cot
in fear of her falling. The next thing is the excitement
on waiting for her to crawl but of course we will be freaked
out about what trouble she will get into once she is mobile.
I guess this will be a permanent state of affairs all
the way up to and past when she asks for the keys to the
car for the first time.
Speaking of braving parents, my aunt gave my 17 year
old cousin Hayley (the one who graduated mentioned in
the last entry) the green light to come out here to
London to visit with us. She's arriving this Thursday
and I have been making the preparations on places to
go while she's here. It should be fun and we are very
much looking forward to showing her around for her first
trip to Europe.
Okay, time for a London insight. This city is way over
deep on technology. They will spend millions
on latest technologies and not think it really through
with the question 'Is it relevant?'. Here are some examples;
the city of London is trying to clean up the streets
of homeless people by puting computer kiosks out near
the train stations informing them where to go for food
and shelter. It's real wiz-bangy giving directions and
looking all 21st century. First off, the city of London
could start by cleaning up the streets much better by
giving all dog owners pooper-scoopers, because I am
constantly near-missing the stuff. Second of all, the
kiosk is text-based, and how large of a percentage of
homeless people do you really think are literate? So
in other words a total waste of money.
Example
two: my rival the current Mayor of London has (as
described in a previous entry) introduced a 'successful'
scheme of putting thousands of cameras all over the
city that scan license plates as cars enter a congestion
zone within central London, automatically charging
people a £80 fine if the driver doesn't pay the
£5 charge within that day. The problem is, this
system of cameras, computers systems, IT geeks, web
site maintenance people, any number of beurocratic
nitwits plus the call center people costs the tax payer
millions of pounds to support and has already generated
over 1,000
incorrect charges a day, including one
sent to a museum for its 1914 car that has not moved
in 60 years. Mayor Ken just approved £32 million
tax payer dollars to bail out the congestion charge
company because they are losing more money than investing
in Betamax tapes. Now imagine the misery when an already
far-over capacity 120 year old tube system now receives
an additional 20% more passengers who travel in conditions
that are illegal if it were cattle on a train rather
than people on a subway car with no fresh air and 90
degree heat. So who is this technology for? I have no
idea but I guarantee that those pea
heads at BT are getting a piece.
I
say that because on my walk to the bus station I pass
another technological revolution; a BT internet kiosk-phone
booth that costs 1 pound a minute. Even though around
the corner is an internet rental place for 1 pound an
hour and you can sit down like a normal person. Anyway,
on the outside of the booth it says nice and proud,
'pay your congestion charge here!'. Nice exclusive
rights but here's the catch. Its on a street that has
no parking and is OUTSIDE the congestion zone. Its like
some nimrod up there in a suit with the tie too tight
said 'blimey, this computer thing is jolly good!' and
bam there you go, a complete waste of money that looks
fancy.
Time these days seems to slip through the fingers like
runny glue and only part of my evenings seem to stick
together on being proficient but I do however have somehow
miraculously found the time to put together a
'best of' photo gallery for you of all the
best shots from the over 3,000 pictures taken in the
past 2 and a half years. So knock yourself out and check
out the Best Of Photos.
Monday July 21, 2003
I decided it was time to put everything else aside
and finally write again for my site. Keeping you readers
hanging has pained me with a guilt probably similar to
a bus driver that accidentally forgot a stop. Lots has
happened in the month or so that I have been off the air.
Since
my last entry, we had Leyhsa's father come visit us.
We had a great time with him. He did however bring the
curse and cure of our existence with his visit by introducing
Hannah to being swung. What he demonstrated for us was
a great way to calm Hannah to sleep by putting her in
the carry cot / car seat thinger
and swinging her back and forth in it. The cure being
that after twenty minutes or so, it worked. The curse
was though, it took twenty minutes of swinging a 20
pound cot back and forth. If you look at the Scotland
wedding pictures, there's one where you can see
me - tirelessly swinging. Hannah didn't want it any
other way so the next step was to buy an automated swing
which of course was three times the cost as it would
have been if we managed to hold tight until we went
back to the states to get it. But as far as his trip
out here went, we had a great time showing him around
and he seems to be quite taken by the charms of his
latest grandchild. There's pics
to prove it too.
Next
was off to visit family back in LA. It was the first
time Hannah was out of the womb and experienced a plane
flight and she was surprisingly good. Well...up until
about 9 hours into the flight that is. See, the poor
thing was very nervous and stayed attached to Leyhsa
feeding pretty much the whole time. Then, she started
to cry so Leyhsa put Hannah over her shoulder and then
all of a sudden, 9 hours of milky barf came up all at
once, dousing Leyhsa's seat and going all down Leyhsa's
back. Now here's the part that really sucks; we still
had TWO MORE HOURS TO GO with a couple gallons of barf
everywhere. I have witnessed one thing from this venture
with a 3 month old baby on a plane that I have learned
and am about to bestow on you my reader: The only
thing worse than barf down your pants is cold barf that's
been sitting down your pants for two hours.
Being
back in Cali was a world wind tour but it was so good
to see family that I hadn't seen in over a year. It
was a huge family bonanza of a week as one cousin was
graduating high school (the highlight of the ceremony
being when one of the students who spoke in front of
the 3 thousand or so people that school was a prison
and the teachers were mostly disinterested scum just
there for a paycheck), the other was having her
Bat Mitzvah (with not a dry eye in the house), and Hannah
was having her baby naming (despite exerting her best
crying fit to date). It was one wonderful event after
another and my grandparents were soaring with delight
the whole time which was very sweet to see. For those
that are into family reunion type things, I have a gallery
of those pics
from my LA trip now available for you to check out.
The other fantastic reunion was regaining the freedom
of driving my
car again- with the sun shining, sunglasses on and
the ocean wind in the hair, I was saying to Leyhsa that
we were crazy ever to leave. And then we got on the
405 freeway and the whole world came to a vehicular
stop. Time froze and we would slowly watch hours of
life slowly inch away in horrendous traffic. We had
several trips to run errands back and forth between
Santa Clarita in the northern part of LA to Santa Monica
in West LA and it became a laborious chore to face the
throwing away of 4 hours a day sitting in traffic. How
do people do it, I ask? Why isn't everybody screaming
and shooting
each other in utter frustration, I ask? The real
question actually is why doesn't anybody carpool and
why does the public transit system suck so bad? By the
end of a week I couldn't wait to get out of the car
and to get back home to London where they have proper
transport to complain about.
Lastly,
I owe you all a huge apology for neglecting my bus stop
so badly and leaving you my reader to walk to school
in the rain. I suck, and in remorse I have several gifts
for you. First there's a fun email game that we just
released at work calledThe
Big Villa House you can check out which
is a parody of the reality show Big
Brother. Also I have gathered the latest responses
to your questions for Angus
in the Ask Angus section. I will try
to be better Mr.
Lord Fahquar...
Thursday June 12, 2003
I am learning how tough a world it is to find
personal time when you have a baby (this morning somebody
at work was complaining about getting 9 hours of sleep
but waking up tired. I said I didn't want to hear it and
that it was as cruel to say that to me as telling an Ethiopian
about having a bad burger). I've been meaning to write
for the past two weeks and I am either too exhausted and
just can't bother, have baby duties to attend to, or am
running around the United Kingdom on one of many jaunts.
Last week we were in Scotland for a wedding and the two
previous weekends before that, we were traveling around
with Leyhsa's dad who had come to visit. Then the week
before that, I dedicated the weekend to updating my
portfolio.
The fancy Flash stuff I did for the portfolio came
out alright and you are more than welcome to check it
out. Why am I working on a portfolio, you ask? Alright,
you probably don't care either way but the answer to
the question is that I'm heading to the sunny
shores of LA for a week and I figured it would be
worth testing the waters on jobs back home. From everything
I hear and have seen, the economy if it could be summed
up in just a single word would be 'SUCKS'. With the
economy taking a back burner for two years while
wars were going on and whatever possible cash their
could be to help being further funneled to fat bastard
rich folks, I suppose I might be marooned out here in
the UK for quite a while if things don't change soon.
Right now that suits me fine as I am really enjoying
my job.
The
Scotland
visit was beautiful and Leyhsa and I had an exhausting
time trying to keep up with Hannah, yet it was still
a refreshing trip away. She was very well behaved but
man oh man, is it a ton of work taking care of a baby
while on the road. Everything was just so green and
lush. This was our first time being so far north and
it was wild as the skies stayed light until past midnight
with the sun rising again only a few hours later. We
stayed in Inveruvie at a lovely little B&B in the
countryside, then headed to Inverness to check out the
highlands and finally to Aberdeen to take the overnight
train home.
I am wickedly tired from a lack of sleep and I don't
have time to go into it all so I will try a cliff note
version to describe:
Scotland Trip - abridged
Inveruvie-
Pronounced IN-VUR-ROO-VEE and a flea-spec size of a
town. Countryside good, and green. People nice. Very
tasty Haggis for breakfast; I especially enjoyed the
stomach innards flavoring. Car next time because cab
driver drove us in circles even after calling the police
station (yes, that small of a town) to get directions
to the cottage we were staying in.
Inverness- Forgetful. Was I there?
Oh yeah- damn. Inverness is an uneventful small city
with little to do until you leave Inverness. We did.
Went to close by Loch Ness and saw an eerie destroyed
castle plus took a leisurely calming boat ride down
the Loch. No monsters. Many pictures though.
Aberdeen-
Amazingly shockingly incredibly fantastic city. Like
gray slate buildings though- lots of that here. I was
poorly advised to avoid the oil shipping town of Aberdeen
so we only ended up having a few hours there, which
was a shame because it had so much character. You better
like gray though, there's lots of that.
We
happened to be in Scotland for my friend Nigel's
full traditional Scottish style wedding. Ironically,
he's Irish but the lovely bride is Scottish. The wedding
was amazing with most of the men in kilts, the women
in big giant bonnets and there was
even a bag piper. They held it at a beautiful castle
in Fyvie which was fully renovated. The wedding had
a few distinct differences from your standard US affair.
Again, as I am minutes away from collapsing in drool
on my keyboard from sleep deprivation, I shall attempt
the cliff note style:
UK Wedding Differences-
abridged
Super old things- a castle from the 1600's,
a reception at a mansion originally built in the mid
1700's, the chauffeured car was 85 years old, clan plaids
worn that originate from 800 years ago. You get the
drift.
Less parties- American weddings are
not an event, they are events. You've got
the engagement party, the bridal shower party, the bachelor
party, the bachelorette party, the rehearsal dinner
party, the family meet party, the wedding itself, and
finally the post wedding party. Some smart capitalist
at some point in the past realized a good thing when
he saw it and glommed on all these additional parties
to stretch out the wedding cash cow. Here they have
a few less then that- but the capitalists over here
too are catching on apparently as stag and hen nights
are big business.
Better speeches- Aside from my grandfather
at my wedding who had an incredible gift for timing
and setting up a joke, most US speeches are not all
that memorable. The Brits take much time and pride in
preparing very lengthy and hilariously funny speeches.
I was crying in laughter from them- see Four Weddings
and a Funeral to get the idea.
Scots
do it better- they don't shy from the
lager nor the Whisky, the men wear skirts in public,
they have tumultuous line dances, and they like to include
the timid American spectators. Plus they kept calling
Hannah the the 'Wee Bonnie Lassie' which was so cute-
and appropriate.
Friday May 23, 2003
As
my gift to you for my trouble finding time to post to
the site, I bring you Boogie Hannah, in her USC Trojans
outfit. I just hope this won't make her hate me when she
turns 16 though.
Things have been pretty good over here as work has
been going well and our little Hannah is now a healthy
11 pounds. She's getting more feisty and strong and
we are starting to notice that she recognizes us.
This past Sunday Leyhsa and I went to the V&A
Museum to see their exhibition
on Art Deco. The hundreds of pieces they had ranged
from flapper dresses to an all-silver deco bed to a
20's roadster. The flamboyance mixed with craftsmanship
and design styling was truly remarkable. It was our
first attempt taking Hannah where there were several
people and it was a bit difficult.
People
would crowd around displays so we were quite hesitant
from getting too close to strangers with a 6 week old
baby with us. The funniest thing happened though while
we were stuck in a very crowded group of people. With
maybe fifteen people congested around us, Hannah pooped
letting out the loudest whoopee cushion fart noise as
she did it. All fifteen of those people (minus me futily
trying to seem dignified) looked at us with wide stares
right when our little princess let out a second rip
for good measure. And then, with nowhere to go and nowhere
to move, the pungent baby poop smell filled the air.
As the looks got cross at us, Leyhsa and I started to
laugh, because Hannah was notably more content as a
little grin on her face appeared and she nodded back
to sleep.
I
have a new
set of pics to check out in the gallery as well
as yet another NEW section! This time
its to help those in need of deciphering what is the
largest gap that divides Brits and their American friends
across the pond- the English language. So as a token
of good faith, I am offering a British to American Dictionary
I have affectionately called in my
new section Limey Lingo. Its from a site that I
found of a Brit visiting the US and being so perplexed
he wrote this dictionary, which I am now mirroring.
I didn't write it which makes me certified lazy, but
I'm tired of linking to sites that end up going down-
and it is pretty funny.
Wednesday May 14, 2003
Did you know our tax refund Bush wants is being voted
on? Yay, more money for me, right? Well yes and no. The
truth is its a drop in the bucket for you and me but a
windfall if
you are rich. While the top 1% of the population
will receive almost half the money, over half the US population
will receive a pithy $100 or even less. The much lauded
dividends benefits only effect the top 5%. Just
check out the stats if you don't believe me.
Many members
of the Bush administration stand to benefit handsomely
from the new cuts: Treasury Secretary John Snow tops
the list with a $275,000 windfall... Secretary of Defense
Donald Rumsfeld could pocket an extra $184,000. And
not far behind is the $181,000 that could go to Secretary
of Commerce Don Evans. Man, I sure wish I was a millionaire
business man and had a cabinet position too.
Its being paid for by borrowing on our future which
is already a $3 TRILLION deficit. Schools and other
vital programs are on the budget axe to pay for it too.
Let me help illustrate for you $3 trillion:
THREE ZERO ZERO ZERO ZERO ZERO ZERO ZERO ZERO ZERO
ZERO ZERO ZERO. If I paid one dollar every single day
until it was paid off, it would take me 8.4 billion
years. By that point, there will have been 2,100,000,000
Presidential elections, 42,000 ice ages, the sun will
have lost its ability to generate enough fission and
would be turning into a red giant, and the London Underground
will have just about completed escalator
refurbishment.
Look up your Senator
conatact info here and your Congressman
contact info here. Make sure the staffers know you're
a constituent, and urge your Senators to please OPPOSE
all new tax cuts. Then, if you like, ask them how much
they will personally pocket if these cuts pass.
Off
the soapbox I go for now. But look out! Angus
MacGinty was right were I left him last week at
the Startford Arms, in the exact stool, with possibly
the same pint in his hand, so he has kindly answered
some reader questions for you!
Monday May 12, 2003
To those that it applies to in the US, Happy Mother's
Day (We have 'Mothering Day' here on the 31st of March).
Leyhsa's Mother's Day present was that she got to nap
for part of the afternoon. That sounds really cheapo of
me but of the other presents I got her, that was the one
to really matter as she was exhausted from Hannah calling
all the shots on when sleep-time is. The other thing we
did for Mother's Day was check out our garden. Another
dull sounding thing on the surface, but an estate
agent was supposed to give us a key to the garden
and we just now after 5 months received the correct one.
I swear estate agents are somehow spawned from some evil
mutation of feces.
So
the big news is that I'm now an official .com and no
longer wear the burden of geocities in the URL name.
To celebrate, I've added a whole new section to my site.
Its hosted by Angus MacGinty,
a beer and whiskey toting alcoholic from the East End
of London. He is full of the wisdom and purity of consciousness
that only a former taxi driver turned in his words,
'to the light and became a Monk to Jack Daniels', could
provide. Just Ask Angus anything
at all and he will be sure to respond with an inspired
solution. The best part is that since this is over the
internet, you don't have to deal with the awful side-effect
of toxic brewery breath as he delves out sage advice.
I had left last week commentary about the awful state
of the five channels we get here and hadn't mentioned
the most entertaining portion of UK television programming.
The
commercials. The tellie commercials seems
to be where all of the creativity, originality and entertainment
are going. The good ones are clever, witty, smart, stylish
and memorable- all things you rarely find in a US ad
other than maybe during the Super Bowl. They use a concept
hard to find in mass media in the States - subtlety
and irony. The Brits do it exceptionally well, its just
too bad there's no longer any programming to go with
it anymore. As a special treat, I have compiled the
videos for you to check out of my fav adverts, from
the convenience of your work's internet bandwidth.
Here are my five favorites:
Honda
Accord - 'When
Things Just Work' - a beautiful ad of car components
that domino in a mouse trap kind of way as the camera
follows to demonstrate perfection. The two minute
ad apparently took 605 takes to finally get. |
John
Smiths - 'Top
Bombing' - A very humorous ad that was taking
place during the Commonwealth Games which intentionally
throws you off as it mimics a high dive competition |
Levi's
- 'Odyssey'
- One of the most beautiful ads I have ever seen
where two people with seemingly superhuman powers
pummel through walls as they compete against each
other. Well trust me that it looks better then I
can explain. |
Coke
- 3
Legged Striker - A very clever claymation ad
for Coke and the World Cup. It's about this three-legged
kid who gets drafted to win the World Cup. The music
is really good as well. |
Vauxhall
- Hide
& Seek - A fun advert to watch as cars play
hide and seek from each other within a city. It
uses very clever use of imagery. |
Monday May 5, 2003
Happy Cinco de Mayo amigos! We don't do that over here
but I know you folks in LA do- assuming the definition
of celebrating Mexican Independence is by getting drunk
on Coronas and Tequila. We have our own celebrations going
across the pond in the name of yet another Bank Holiday
(this one I think has something to do with International
Labor Day). And some fine weekend to enjoy it too, as
for one entire day of the three day weekend, it did not
rain or be overcast or be windy or be dreary- it was an
actual nice Spring day. Spring here is amazing and is
very different then the Monotheist Season we have in So
Cal where the weather is either sunny and warm
or sunny and cool. But with rain and darkness
and snow and the trees going bare, the emergence of Spring
is an Event. Everything is green, the flowers are blooming,
the birds are chirping, the floral smells are in the air
and the people are back out on the sidewalks again enjoying
their beers in 'the sun' (its still a bit chilly).
To enjoy the welcoming blue skies of Spring, Leyhsa
and I took Hannah on her first real outing and went
on a field trip to Hampstead
Heath. I don't know if she noticed it much as the
papoose carrier thing put her to sleep for the entire
hike.
With a newborn baby, Leyhsa and I are at home pretty
much all of the time now. One of the things being home
more does is invite the fatal opportunity of watching
more television than perhaps you would normally. Unfortunately
with only five channels to choose from it ends up being
like a steak dinner at a free methadone clinic: mostly
inedible bone and full of fat. The few small morsels
of meat will turn out to be tough and taste like year-old
freezer burn. With the collapse of the Sadam government
and the entertainment
value of the Iraqi Information Minister gone, there's
just nothin on.
I have to take back all of my positive comments that
I had said earlier of Brit
TV being fairly good. Since then, the BBC launched
a new
BBC3 channel on digital cable, making most of their
interesting stuff go there instead. Channel Four used
to produce some great shows but the production arm,
Film Four (makers of Four
Weddings and a Funeral), last year announced they
were ceasing original programming due to costs. So now
all that is left is schlock. Our Methadone Steak breaks
down as the following:
The bone: completely unwatchable
Crap with a capital 'C'. For two weeks straight and
for as many as 6 hours a day, 'The Beeb' as we affectionately
call it here, has been featuring the exciting
world of the Snooker Championships. I
don't even pay attention to my opponent when I am
personally playing the game of pool, let alone some
street shark playing it on TV. The announcer to my
groans had the nerve to announce that my show was
being interrupted for a 'Nail Biter Semifinals'. The
most painful part is the fact that I have to PAY a
TV license for my right to have 680 hours of nail
biting snooker. There's
lots of unwatchable Crap just as useless and awful
to watch like the Dart Throwing Championships, the
fifty
different shows they do on gardens or the thirty
or so different shows they do on house buying. I am
pained to admit that of I have watched some of the
house buying shows out of pure desperation and I have
yet to see ONE person actually buy a house- they all
wimp out. So in other words, the show is even useless
to the person they are trying to help buy a house
for.
The
fat: greasy and oily filler Reality
TV shows that I volunteer to do the vacuuming
AND the dishes rather than watch. Hollywood
is 100% to blame for the emergence of Reality
TV, as four years ago, there was a major actors strike
threatened and so executives decided to circumvent
the pre-madonnas and have shows without actors- Reality
TV. There are tons of them here; Big Brother,
Celebrity Big Brother, Fame Academy, I'm a Celebrity
Get Me Out of Here, The Salon, Love Cruise, Boot Camp,
and on and on. They all have two things in common;
they are boring beyond belief and the expectation
of seeing some skin. I will not threaten
the IQ of my child- fat is banned from our home.
The freezer burn: recycled American
show re-runs. We get a few shows that are from the
states that are good, but the previous year's series.
So we have the 2002 and sometimes the 2001 run of
shows like Sex in the City, The Sopranos, Friends,
Will & Grace, and Frasier. Its nice to get a little
quality programming, but not necessarily good enough
that if I have already seen the episode, I would want
to watch it twice.
The confiscation of entertainment isn't so bad, but
where I feel the real pain is no B-Ball.
But luckily my grandparents are living up to the 'grand'
in their title and sending me tapes of the Lakers playoff
series so I can get my fix. It also gives us more of
an excuse to turn the Brain Drain off and just play
with Hannah instead. Poop and all, a much better show.
Sunday April 27, 2003
My mother is back home and I'm back at work after a very
enjoyable paternity leave break. Being back at work is
tough when trying to operate on skimmed sleep, but its
nothing compared to what Leyhsa has to do since she's
the one on a two hour interval of on-demand juice bar
service for Hannah. I have a frightening statistic for
you that I have uncovered as I bought my latest package
of Huggies (called of all sissy
things here, nappies- please imagine if you
will, myself in a papoose on my chest with Hannah strapped
in while at a mini-mart next to four blokes who just got
back from downing pints at the pub and I ask 'Where are
your nappies, please' to their snickering. I point out
to them that at least I have evidence of my virility,
but they were too drunk to get it.)
Right, my frightening statistic; 172.
Hannah Alexandra Levine has been in existence a mere
24 days and has pooped enough times to require an incredible
172 changes of diapers. I don't even blink my eyes as
many times as that in 24 days! Keep in mind this inconceivable
output is coming from a tiny 22 inch-long frame. I think
she is even savvier than I had thought and must be taking
tips from Dubya
on how to be on the dole as she is obviously in
cahoots with the Huggies corporation making a commission
on diaper purchases since there could be no other explanation
for why there is always another half of her poop to
arrive once the new 'nappie' goes on.
There is a small piece of bad news as our little adorable
Half-Limey won't be officially a Limey after all. I
finally got through to the right department of the Home
Office so I could find out the definition listed in
the paperwork of citizenship being based on the 'parents
being settled in Britain'. The gist being
that though Hannah was born in Britain, she is NOT a
British citizen, since my work permit is only for a
fixed date period. If it was an open ended work permit
(eligible in 2 more years) or I was to apply for citizenship
(eligible in 1 more year), then she'd get the British
ID badge and the 'God Save the Queen' bumper sticker.
The real benefit would be that in the future she would
be able to work without any hassle in Britain, Canada,
Europe, Australia, New Zealand, and South Africa- all
of which have difficult work
permit hoops for Americans to jump through otherwise.
Plus, if Jeb were the next war mongering Bush one day
to sit in the power seat, Hannah would have the option
if it ever got that bad to head to other shores elsewhere.
So Leyhsa and I in the meantime must consider this as
part of whether or not we have the endurance to brave
another 8 months of darkness
and rain in the UK, come Winter. Leyhsa did child
birth with no anesthetics, so I believe she might be
strong enough but that still leaves me unproven.
Tuesday April 15, 2003
My
mother has arrived safely here in London from LA to visit
her new granddaughter (and maybe for a few minutes she'll
notice Leyhsa and I too). She has been even more ecstatic
than even we are over the baby, just gushing about how
beautiful Hannah
is and how perfect she is, etc, which of course reinforces
our own assessment of the little darling. Hannah's
daily (and nightly) routine has simmered down a bit as
she is becoming more regular in her times for feedings
and poopings, which is a huge blessing on our heavy and
tired eyes. And at only 12 days old, she already is starting
to recognize us and will smile for us which is just so
darn cute. For those that enjoy pictures of babies with
their parents ooh-ing and aah-ing, I have a whole
new set of pics now available to take a look
at.
On other news, last Sunday, I had my first real LA-like
celebrity sighting since leaving those glittering shores
and ran into Billy
Zane at Marble Arch. Last year I ran into David
Beckham with an entourage going into Victoria Station,
but he doesn't count because he's just a limey. But
a real live movie star with the required 'trying to
look anonymous' baseball cap on, after a two year drought.
It's not that I am all that excited about Billy Zane,
I think he's annoying,
its the fact that my star spotting skills are stilled
fine tuned, like an aging karate sansei that can still
break wood boards with his face. The exciting part is
that I still hold the intrinsic powers that were dawned
upon only me and my fellow Los Angeleno native brethren.
Rubbing shoulders with the Glitterati is perfectly
normal as part of your LA passport, so it doesn't sound
like I'm delusional when I talk about how I got cut
off on the 405 Freeway by Arnold
Schwarzenegger, or went to high school with a girl
that got frisky with Rob Lowe, or I once was peeking
down Courtney
Cox's cleavage in her convertible while on my bicycle
at a stop light, or went to a benefit my mother helped
organize with Michelle Pfeiffer or that Leyhsa and I
sat next to Madonna
at a Kabbala class- these are everyday events for the
Los Angeleno. As if my hometown was giving me a personal
send off, the day I left for London
I had a double whammy of seeing a frighteningly skeletal
Pamela Anderson at the airport and then later on, I
was picking up my luggage next to a reformed Cat Stevens.
But here in London, they are much tougher to spot,
as there is more of a class structure in place where
everyday folk normally never associate in the same venues
as high-society. LA is much more egalitarian where
the best taco stand in Santa Monica attracts all
stratas. But here in London where there are first of
all no good taco stands and no places broad enough for
all types, the beautiful people reside from their perches
in Kensington or wherever and they are not to be seen.
My theory is that this is all set up because of the
untouchable aura the monarchy have created. That if
you are elite, you do not touch the same filthy ground
as the commoner. I believe I can destroy this class
system with one decisive blow. When
I become mayor, I will open a really good
taco stand that nobody
can resist drawing the Kate Winslets from their pearly
gates so she can gorge on a beef burrito right next
to Lemmy, the now out of work tube driver because I
fired them all. Karl Marx and Martin Luther King would
be crying tears of joy if they could see my fabled London
taco stand. What a great world I can make with just
your vote!
Thursday April 10, 2003
I have vomit stains on my shirt, I have heavy bags under
my eyes and I smell like baby poop. So then why am I so
happy?? The only reason that I can provide to those who
don't have children of their own is that I am a masochist.
To those that are parents, the answer is I could not feel
more happy or fulfilled and am excited to see the next
little coo or stare of Hannah into my eyes. Its a trip
from being a self-involved crank to a selfless, contented
parent (don't get me wrong I'm still a crank). Leyhsa
is even on a higher high, despite the 3am feedings and
the fact she can't walk yet further than to the other
end of our flat.
Its a huge sigh of relief to see the
Iraq War coming to a close. Lets just hope
that little Dubya proves me wrong- I'd sure like that
though I have serious doubts as the hawks are already
swooping in to put Americans in harm's way for yet
more wars in the Middle East.
Monday April 7, 2003
I
want to take this opportunity to say goodbye to an old
friend. We used to spend many Sunday afternoons together
but those are gone. I would start a day after being with
my friend feeling so alive and well but that is now behind
me. Goodbye Sleep, my good friend, you and I won't be
hanging out together for a while. Your replacement is
much more taxing but far more adorable. Hannah is settling
into a system and seems to be developing well. Unfortuantely
though, that system is in this priority:
- Nipple
- Cry
- Poop
- A combination of the three
- Sleep
Notice that Sleep is ranked low on that list. That
means it also ranks low on my list as well. Its hard
to get cranky about loosing sleep, because the darn
thing is just so cute and sweet. She coos and wiggles
her beg floppy feet (my gene pool) and just looks at
you so serenly, you just forget about your old friend
and hope that maybe you'll see each other once more.
Maybe when she turns three.
With all of my extra awake hours, I have had time to
add a few more pics for you to see. Also, last chance
to send
a message!
Friday April 4, 2003
Little
Hannah and Leyhsa are doing well but are both at the hospital
an extra night. Just like a former CEO of Haliburton who
just happens to now be Vice
President of the United States selecting which companies
to award $1 billion in Iraq
reconstruction costs to, I as a journalist for my
own web site reporting on the birth of my own daughter,
would obviously not in any way be biased or play favoritism,
but I do believe from my own independent sources (me and
Leyhsa), that Hannah is the most adorable and beautiful
and intelligent child to ever exist in the history of
newborn children. We can't wait to get her home as poor
Leyhsa is in a room with 8 other mothers and their crying
babies and visitors with only a curtain separating them
making it very difficult for her to get any sleep. I've
got the first pics
of Hannah that you can check out, so um, check them
out.
Also, you can still send
a message to Leyhsa and Hannah.
Thursday April 3, 2003 - 2:18 AM British Time
A website in almost real time: On the spot news from the
British front- 5 hours ago, Leyhsa and I had a girl! The
baby is healthy and gorgeous, while Leyhsa is exhausted
and well. It was a brief 5 hour yet loud and painful labor,
but Leyhsa was just amazing without using any drugs at
all and no medical assistance.
The midwives refused to believe that only three hours
after we arrived at the hospital that Leyhsa was ready
to go and I finally had to be a serious dick to them
before they went to check on her. She was so ready to
go that like a short order cook, Leyhsa delivered less
then a half hour after we got her into the delivery
room. The baby's name is Hannah with the middle name
still up for discussion. If Hannah had come in just
three more days, I would have received an additional
2 weeks paid time off as the government
benefits are to change for all births that are after
the 6th of April. So we missed out, but the cab driver
gave me a free ride home when he heard I was a new dad
so the benefits are a healthy baby and a £6.50
taxi. I'll take that any day.
If you would like to send a message or a tip to new
mother Leyhsa (who is spending the night tonight at
the hospital) or little newborn Hannah, send
a message here and I'll put them up in
a later posting.
See the Archive for more
|