Hi Angus,

What is the best cure for a really bad hangover?

Phillippe,

Now you are talking my language mate. Drink a pint of water right before you head to bed and then first thing in the morning head straight back to your local and order yourself a tall Bloody Mary. Works every time or my name aint Angus.

Dear Angus,

Why are you a Londoner with such a Scottish name? And why do you use slang and Brit language in a way that most Brits would never speak???

Dawn,

Naff off you Martian bugger. Last I checked the Mayor of London still lets Scotts in the city. Arse hole.

Dear Angus,

Have you ever considered topping yourself, you dog-ugly waste of space?

Oh Lordie,

Why yes I do! Every night I head to the pub looking for that perfect Bitter to whisk me away. All that happens usually is that I wake up nine hours later on the curb though. I need to trust somebody better than that good for nothing Staynes to get me home- the little ungrateful shite.

Dear Angus,

Why do men have beards and women don't?

Silvie,

You obviously haven't met my Auntie Margaret. She had fur all over her chin plus eyebrows that looked like two hampsters attached to her forehead. One time when I was just a nipper, I threw up all over her when that cow came over to visit and wanted a kiss. So to answer your question, birds can have beards too if you've got yourself a pint of testosterone in ya.

Angus old bean,

Didn't I see you at Henley Regatta last year?

Your Lordship,

I don't get to that posh yacht hand shandy, but I indeed went to watch the ponies once and drank so much that I accidentally wandered into the luxury seats section. That was a fancy day...

Hello Mr. Angus,

I'm hopelessly in love with someone I shouldn't be in love in. What should I do?

Sally,

Get your nookie elsewhere, that's how. When I was 13, I was in love with my Sunday School teacher at the Hackney Free and Parochial Church of England Secondary School, Mrs. Gavenhurst. She had the lovliest hairlip I had ever seen and even started going to Saturday classes because she taught it, even though it was about knitting. It was a good thing too because in that naff knitting class I met ginger Bethany Krickle. And that's when I figured out that having one in the hand is better than two in the bush - pun intended. So if you are thick I'll emphasise for ya- forget about what you can't have and focus on what ya can.

Dear Angus,

Is it a okay to kiss on the first date?

Katherine,

If you are a slag, then yes- and make sure you use lots of tongue you little minx. The good news is all of his mates will be waiting to ring you too once the knob gets bored and dumps you. Otherwise no, make the git wait for it. If he's just a bloke looking to get into your knickers, he'll give up after the third date. On the fourth, let the patient ones in but definitely don't let them see your bits until at least the sixth time.

Dear Angus,

Most Americans really like your President, Tony Blair. What do the British think of our President Bush?

Sarah,

You are one naff bird. Are all you skirts in the 'New' Jersey as thick? Tony Bleedin Blair is called our bleedin Prime Minister and not no bleedin President. That title is only for thieves. And to answer your question, me and my mates Shorty and Staynes have yet heard one person say one kind word about that little boy Bush. He reminds me of Colin Prescott when I was a youngin in Hackney. Colin's mum used to bugger the local constable. Colin from that point on became a little thug and started to burgle all the flats on our street. He even nicked the bleedin tiles from a kitchen floor once. I asked that git once why he would steal from his own neighbourhood. He says 'Angus laddy, because I can.'

Dear Angus,

With all of the wars, disease, tornadoes and fires, it seems like the world is coming to an end. What do you think?

Kevin,

You sound like a poof and getting your hair up over things you don't have control of. Just look at 16th century London and you will see things have been far worse. Almost everyone lived in mud-floored squalor, bodies were regularly dumped into pits from the black death, there was religious paranoia, and worst off, women had brown teeth. My advice is to go to a good knees up pub, get pissed and go home with a bird with big knockers and you will never worry about the world again. That will right your ship quick-like as you will forget about the world's ills and instead be far more concerned about yourself and whether or not you have Hepatitis.